No human is exempt from the enslavement of powerful emotions – love, hate, anguish, happiness – that tug at the intellect, ever challenging one’s rationale. What a “normal”, reasonable person would do is not the question; the world of passions is not subject to the human, wordly laws. It is a world unto itself, separate from the one on which our feet are planted. On one hand, rationality would clearly state which path to take; on the other hand, our passions could be lobbying for a completely opposite way. Fortunately, I possess an instrument that helps me navigate through these utterly perplexing, winding roads. Writing.
Writing is my tool. Through it I could reconcile my wild, volatile passions with my trained, disciplined mind. It is not merely attributing words that somewhat portray what we are thinking. It requires precision and meditation. Meditation because we want the piece of writing to be as truthful to our being as possible. Precision because we want the outcome of the writing to be as truthful as possible. It’s all about the truth.
Days and days would pass when I’d hear these thoughts, fluttering inside my head. I would get an urge to write about it, but not get the chance to. I used to carry a small pad of paper with me everywhere I went, writing random thoughts. It was useless. It wasn’t my process. For me to be able to write, I have to allocate a significant amount of time and be in the appropriate environment. The physical act of writing takes little time, but contemplating on the topic takes forever. In any case, the most recent universe my ponderings have taken me to is the universe of friends and friendships.
Many celebrated philosophers, foremost among them Plato and Aristotle, wrote extensively on friendship. In their writings they define the role of friends, what qualities a friend must possess and so on. The following is not a proposed doctrine, but is the simple, subjective view of a twenty-year-old amateur thinker. It’s my view on friendship, my experiences with friends, and where I dream my friendships will eventually go. This is by no means an exhausted list or explanation. In fact I encourage everyone to add to this, or simply weigh in on the issue.
I remember hearing about the television show “FRIENDS” when I was in elementary, but I didn’t give it too much mind. Not only did I not get the jokes, but of course, I also didn’t give too much value on sturdy, thoughtful relationships at the age. Those reading this have all seen the show, though, and the vast majority love it for good reason. We all want to be a part of something remotely close to what Phoebe, Chandler, Monica, Rachel, Ross and Joey have. They had so much fun together, they cried together, they faced the future together – boy did they live.
The entirety of the series spanned ten seasons, which means that there were many many shows. They were able to portray complex relationships that developed in the span of an entire life. That is one of the possible attributes of friendship: history. Although I don’t believe that the longer relationships are necessarily better, I do believe that time is essential for the development of relationships. I recently had to face some “difficulty” with several… distinctly different people. I must admit it was bothersome beyond belief. It was because I gave them my friendship and held them to such high regard, that the heartbreak of not having the same esteem reciprocated was doubly harder. Amidst the tumult, a realization dawned on me.
I was comforted by a group of friends over dinner. As I looked around, I realized that this group around the table all graduated from the same high school! I was probably misunderstood by my antagonists. What the group around the table had, however, was history, and history explains a lot of things. We knew what we had done in high school: what classes we took, which subjects we excelled in, the accolades we garnered, the setbacks we encountered, the trips taken, venues during the lunch hour, work ethic, teachers loved, teachers.. not so loved, our habits, mannerisms, likes and dislikes – all in all, our character. Character not just explained with words through a conversation, but as eyewitnessed through the events of the wild roller-coaster ride called high school. The sense of history, as I sat with them at that table, flooded me with comfort.
There is a term among scholars and researchers called “history of the present”. It basically means that in order to understand the present fully, one must know the history of the subject, that is, the series of events that led to the fruition of the subject. If you don’t know the person’s past, you can’t possibly explain or understand the person’s present.
Another attribute that friends share for each other is respect. A Dictionary.com (link: http://dictionary.reference.com) definition states that respect is:
“Deference to a right, privilege, privileged position, or someone or something considered to have certain rights or privileges; proper acceptance or courtesy; acknowledgment: respect for a suspect’s right to counsel; to show respect for the flag; respect for the elderly.”
Blah blah blah. This definition is inadequate even in this single context of our composition. There are times when disagreements turn into disputes, and what could have been a promising relationship turns awry. Friends do not have to agree about everything that there is under the sun. Provided there is respect. Respecting a view that is different from ours. All too often disagreements persist because of the absence of listening. Trust that your friend is not insane; that there is a reason for the action; hear out the entire explanation. Then and only then do we speak. Listen. Acquaintanceship crosses over into friendship once we accept our friend for his or her whole being, his or her soul. Acceptance not despite the flaws, but acceptance of the flaws. Respect, as we see, is the realization of one’s being.
Lastly, love.
What is the opposite of love?
["Jeopardy" theme song playing]
I pondered over this quite devotedly for a couple of years. I finally came to the conclusion that it’s not hate. It’s indifference. Hate is such a heated, passionate emotion. This passion exists because one still cares. Indifference is the total opposite. An indifferent person would have no care whatsoever. Mindless destruction without remorse would come from indifference. It wouldn’t even cross an indifferent person’s mind whether one lived or died.
I talk about the opposite of love to make it easier to explain love. A friend loves. This means absolute care for a friend’s well-being. The friend’s welfare over yours. In fact there would be times when tough decisions have to be made; and a choice would have to be taken between the truth that hurts, or blissful ignorance. But the true friend is wiser. He is not making a choice between the two options; he considers the only option, which is what’s good for the friend, and this regardless of the consequences.
Finally, join me in a movement to elevate the status of friendship once again. Let’s give the word the disctinction and respect that it deserves. Let’s use it appropriately. In as much as we are awed by kings, actors, and distinguished clergymen, the true friend is equally as awe-inspiring. The true friend.
President Obama, in the introduction of his eulogy for one of the most revered, most loved, most influential United States senators of all-time, Senator Edward Kennedy, said:
” The world will long remember their son Edward as the heir to a weighty legacy; a champion for those who had none; the soul of the Democratic Party; and the lion of the United States Senate — a man who graces nearly 1,000 laws, and who penned more than 300 laws himself. But those of us who loved him, and ache with his passing, know Ted Kennedy by the other titles he held: Father. Brother. Husband. Grandfather. Uncle Teddy, or as he was often known to his younger nieces and nephews, “The Grand Fromage,” or “The Big Cheese.” I, like so many others in the city where he worked for nearly half a century, knew him as a colleague, a mentor, and above all, as a friend.”
To my truest friends, you know who you are, from the bottom of my heart, thank you, and I look forward to the rest of our years, together forging our history.
